When the Husband’s Fantasies &
Desires Pushes his wife too far
By Kim Goodin
If you have
read our book you already know that it was I,
Kim Goodin, the husband, who had the wild
desires and fantasies mostly fueled by porn and
television. Also from talking with other men I
felt my desires were “normal”. I wanted to watch
two women together and join in with them and I
wanted to try wife swapping and the swinging
lifestyle.
As I shared in
our book we went as far as meeting a few couples
by phone and even went out for dinner once we
felt safe. I remember how much Cindy didn’t want
to get out of the car at the restaurant when we
went to meet that first couple. For whatever
reason we never could work out a good time to
meet any of these couples for anything more
except once. We were all set to meet this other
couple who also had never done anything like
this for a pizza party at their house. There
were going to be porn, same room sex, and most
likely swapping partners. BUT our youngest,
Kristy, had a crying fit unlike any she had
before, begging us not to leave her with my
parents. She had always enjoyed staying with her
grandparents so there was no reason for her fit
other than it was God’s way of telling us to
stay home. We finally called the other couple
and canceled. We never got close to swinging or
swapping after that beyond some discussing it.
Swingtown, a
new TV show on CBS brings this sinful lifestyle
right into any home with a television and a
desire to watch such trash. It also brings this
lifestyle out into the light as being “normal”
and okay. I’m sure just 5 or 10 years ago such a
program would never had been allowed on the
airways.
With that said
I would like to introduce you to a couple that
we have met through our ministry. The names have
been changed but the story is TRUE and
told in their own words. We will call them Tim
and Sue. Both are about 40 years old and have
known each other since high school where they
had met and even “enjoyed a strong sex life”.
This is their story in their own words.
“Tim” writes:
My wife and I are
in our late 30’s, college educated, a
professional couple, with a nice house, 3 young
kids, active in the community, devote church
goers now, etc: your Norman Rockwell kind of
family. But it wasn’t always that way.
About 7 years ago
we had fallen away from God. We didn’t pray nor
go to church. We didn’t study our Bibles. Those
group sex fantasies were so enticing to me. I’d
show my wife porn (internet and movies): scenes
of not just women on women, but scenes of women
taking on more than one man at a time. It was
my fantasy (in the beginning) and I pressured my
wife with this onslaught of porn. Without God
in our lives it provoked a curiosity in her and
with my insistent pressure she finally caved
in.
Our first meeting
wasn’t with another woman, but actually with
another man. My sinful thinking at the time was
to break her in on something she’s more
comfortable with, two guys at once. After that
first meeting I actually felt regret. Like this
was something we shouldn’t do. The Holy Spirit
was trying to talk to me. I actually wept and
prayed. But here’s the ironic twist. My wife,
who initially didn’t want to do it at all, now
had a taste for the sinful pleasure of group
sex. I wanted to stop after the first time but
now she (and the other man) was both pressuring
me to continue. I easily caved in because I had
pushed God so far aside in my life.
Over the next few
years we did threesomes with other men and
couple swaps. And my wife was sexual with other
women. We had started with some boundaries and
rules but those all got thrown by the wayside
and we fell deep into the lifestyle. We’d
become your full fledge swingers.
Then… my wife had
an affair with a guy we had been swinging with.
After their one on one meeting she felt total
guilt for it. The Holy Spirit came upon her in
a major way. She cried. She prayed. She
eventually confessed her affair to me. And you
know what? I didn’t go ballistic. It suddenly
hit me that I’d taken our marriage down a sinful
path. I took responsibility for getting us to
that point.
And please trust me
on this… Getting into swinging was easy without
God in our lives. Getting out almost wrecked
our marriage. I knew we weren’t going to swing
again but the lust for the lifestyle and my
memories from it were tough to shake. And my
wife too, she was tempted with lusting after
past pleasurable experiences. But I can say
we’ve come a long ways in a close walk with the
Lord and moving past our sinful lifestyle days.
My wife and I use
to question why God allowed us down that sinful
path. We are both stronger now and learned a
lesson… the hard way. We feel if we can help
just one couple keep from going through what we
did then that’s our ministry. We’ve witnessed
to others before that were in the lifestyle and
those considering it. Our best recommendation
is “FLEE” from it. The temptation and pleasures
of the flesh may be appealing but trust me… all
sin has consequences and God will get one’s
attention eventually.
It wasn’t just our
pressure on each other to swing, but also the
pressure from the other people we involved which
compounded our temptation and fall.
Matt 18:20 “For
where two or three come together in my name,
there am I with them.” Jesus spoke
against the Jewish tradition that 10 or more had
to congregate in a synagogue to define it as
church. Jesus said that with 2 or 3, coming
together in His name, then they are a much more
powerful group. Now, think of what happens in
the opposite direction. When 2 or 3 come
together in sin they are more powerful sinners.
In our threesomes and foursomes... the others we
discussed, fantasized and actually did stuff
with, the more powerful our temptation and fall
to sin.
Satan was a part of
it. Tempting us into sin and using all his
resources on us: porn, flattery, fantasy, lust,
etc. And we fell. I once read that the women
are the weaker vessel and now it made sense on
how she succumbed to the pressure.
1 Peter 3:7 “Husbands
in the same way be considerate as you live with
your wives, and treat them with respect as the
weaker partner…”
Remember too, in
Gen 3 the fall of Eve, she didn’t initially eat
of the fruit. She resisted at first but because
she was the weaker vessel (2 Cor 11:3) she fell
to Satan’s insistent pressure. Just like Sue
caving in to mine and other people’s insistent
pressure.
During our second
stint in the lifestyle, yes I was the one that
totally pressured Sue to start swinging again.
During our first meeting with another guy the
second time around I chickened out and wanted
out of the lifestyle. I cried and even prayed
about it. But Sue and the other guy both
pressured me into continuing in the lifestyle.
Once Sue got a taste of these pleasures of the
flesh she became the instigator, the aggressor,
and would put pressure on me. Just because
women are weaker doesn’t mean they can’t use
whatever means they have to fulfill their own
lustful desires. Look at the story of Joseph
and Potiphar’s wife in Gen 39. This is a
perfect example of the woman being the aggressor
and putting the pressure on.
Once I gave in I
pushed aside the Holy Spirit that was providing
me with a conscience and fell deep into the
lifestyle. Pressuring and dragging Sue even
further into sin. Ironically this same guy, who
with Sue’s pressure also tempted me to stay in
the lifestyle, is the one she had the affair
with.
When sin is
involved all bets are off.
This is what
Sue had to share from her observations about
swinging and the husband’s pressure to do so:
I thought I would
reply to the conversation about women being with
women. There are many things about our swinging
days that I don't like and especially don't like
to think about at all.
The tremendous
pressure to be with another woman was something
I got hit with constantly. I heard a lot of how
it was a dream of his. Well, actually that is
how we got into swinging to begin with. The
pressure of how it was something he wanted to
do.
Being with a woman
was totally disgusting to me. The first time it
happened I asked to be blindfolded so I wouldn’t
know who was actually doing anything to me. I
didn't want to know. I was totally uncomfortable
with all of it including breast play or even
kissing. Nothing about any of the experiences
felt right. Yes, there was pleasure. That was
the flesh talking. So I can actually say: that
if I would have just stood my ground it wouldn't
have happened at all.
I don't blame
anyone but myself for my own sins. I knew it
was something I didn't want to do but I let it
happen anyway. It was my own fault. But I can
say I have become stronger and I won't let
anything like it happen again.
I don't hold any
grudges either. I could feel really resentful
for the path we took in our marriage just like
Tim could be resentful for the affair. But with
God's grace I have moved on and I don't hold on
to any of the past memories.
Back to me,
Kim, talking now: I know how hard it is to
forget those past memories that haunt you. I
believe it is Satan’s way of reminding you of
how bad a person you are and in a way tempting
you back towards those same sins.
I share Tim
and Sue’s story with you because it happens in a
lot of marriages: husbands pressuring their
wives into things they never should be asking
them to do. I know of men who also play the
“submission card”. In a way I know I did that. I
would remind Cindy of how the marriage bed could
not be defiled and how she was supposed to allow
me to be the head of the house. She tried to be
submissive and allowed me to lead her down the
wrong paths.
MEN remember
if you are the husband that you should be to
your wife and you show her the love and support
she deserves: she will naturally be submissive
and happy to be so. YOU have to be the leader
that God calls you to be and in being so be
especially careful in where you lead your wife
or what you ask her to do.
Sexual acts
within marriage are limitless. Sex is a
wonderful gift from God for a man and woman to
enjoy within marriage BUT it is to remain within
marriage. Don’t invite anyone to join you in
person, video, photos, or fantasy.
Our story and the story of Tim and Sue are
powerful stories of how far even a Christian
couple can stray from what God has in store for
their marriage. God’s plan and the role he calls
the man and woman to play within marriage is the
only way. This bond of God, husband and wife is
what makes a marriage strong.
Ecclesiastes 4:12
tells us: "A
triple-braided cord is not easily broken."
It is because of this bond that our marriage and
the marriage of Tim and Sue were able to survive
and come back from such a long walk down the
wrong path.
