Why Married Women Stray                                                 "Joel"

The following devotional is from a Christian Counselor and personal friend who shares what the Bible says about who is responsible when the wife strays. The woman is responsible to God for the sin and choice she made. She will also have to live with the consequences of her actions (STDs, emotional pain, loss of trust, etc.). But if the husband was all that he should have been then she would never have strayed in the first place.

There are references in the Bible that clearly show that the responsibility falls on the husband when the wife cheats yet it doesn't take away from her guilt or her choice to stray. On the other hand the Bible does not say the wife is responsible in any way for the husband straying.

Let's look at what the scripture says:
 

Hosea 4:14 "I will not punish your daughters when they commit harlotry, Nor your brides when they commit adultery;
For the men themselves go apart with harlots,
And offer sacrifices with a ritual harlot.
People who do not understand will be trampled".

What I want to point out is the last line of Hosea 4:14 - "People who do not understand will be trampled".

If you do not understand that it is a husband's fault, if his Christian wife commits adultery, then the marriage will never be restored. The couple will be trampled.

Adultery is a "lightning rod". Consider this: In the HUGE selling book, "His Needs/Her Needs", the author claims that BOTH husbands and wives get into affairs BECAUSE their partner does not meet their needs. That book is a HUGE seller.

This is NOT true because a man gets into an affair for recreation and then uses his wife's not meeting his needs as an excuse. The BIBLE TEACHES, that a WIFE gets into affairs BECAUSE of the actions or inactions of her husband.

The bottom line is this: HOW will a marriage get healed after a Christian wife commits adultery?

The beginning of a FULL healing, and the first step to "a forever love story" in a marriage, is for that wronged husband to fully embrace this concept and say to his wife:

"I fully forgive you for the adultery. It was my fault. If I had been the husband that God called me to be, and that you needed me to be, then you never would have ended up in the arms of another man. Help me to work on me, to become the husband that I need to be."

Yes, a wife MUST get out of her adultery(s) - regardless of whether they are physical or emotional.

(The definition of emotional adultery: Having "friends" of the opposite sex whom you carry on a relationship with in person, on the phone, via e-mail or IM or text messages - or any combination of these things. It is a relationship in which some or all of these contacts are kept private - and if your spouse knows about it, it is continued over his/her objections. The affair is also kept secret from the wife or husband of the other party to the affair. This relationship meets emotional needs of the wife - she enjoys the friendship, approval, affirmation and respect that she receives from the man that she is in an affair with.)

Normally, a wife who is in an affair will act one of two ways toward her husband: She will be angry and critical, constantly, or she will seem cool and collect, needing nothing from her husband. She does not "bother" him anymore about meeting her emotional needs, because she is getting them met from another man. Why? Because her toddler husband refused to meet her emotional needs for years until he finally broke her.)

The bottom line is that she MUST come out of the affair. That is a given.

However!!!!!! - What most wronged husbands, and many advice givers do not understand, is that this is between his wife and God, and her counselors. HIS job, as her husband, is to RELIEVE her of guilt for GETTING INTO THE AFFAIR in the first place.

How does he do this? Simple: by believing the Word of God.

She would NOT have GOTTEN into this affair, IN THE FIRST PLACE, if he had been a great husband.

How does a MATURE man help his wife to get up and out of the bondage of the affair?

He becomes a pro-active husband, MINISTERING love and Christlikeness to his wife. He does NOT push his hurt feelings on her.

He "owns" that it was HIS issues which pushed her into the affair, so the emotion that he expresses to her is regret for not being the husband that he promised her that he would be on the day that they were married, when he promised: "I promise to love, honor and cherish you".

Look at verse 13 for more clarification:

13 They offer sacrifices on the mountaintops,
And burn incense on the hills,
Therefore your daughters commit harlotry,
And your brides commit adultery.

Note: not every Christian woman will respond to her husband's idolatries and adulteries by ending up in the arms of another man. SOME will.

Can we find a place in the Word of God where a wife is blamed for her husband's affair? NO. So, why does a Christian HUSBAND get into adultery? Simple: It is a character flaw. He does not get into an affair in RESPONSE to his wife's indiscretions, as the Word declares that a wife does.

He INITIATES an affair because he wants to. Men get into affairs for recreation. Yes, the same deception of being infatuated with the other woman will attack him, and he may believe he is "in love" with the other woman, but this is always a fantasy.

He got into the affair because of his character flaw. He WANTED to get into an affair, so he set out to get into one.

A Christian wife, on the other hand, does not set out to get into an affair. She is "open game" because of her husband dropping the ball and not treating her like a queen, all the time. She "responds" to a man who showers her with attention, compliments, affirmation, or any combination thereof.

Is this "fair?" No. But "fair" NEVER CREATES "a forever love story".

Let's look at another scripture:

"You shall betroth a wife but another man shall lie with her. (Why?) Because you did not serve the Lord your God with joy and gladness of heart, for the abundance of everything." Deuteronomy 28:30,47

God is speaking to a Christian man in this verse. He tells him that his wife will end up in the arms of another man - why? Because he did not serve the Lord with joy and gladness of heart.

You will normally not find a woman in adultery that has a husband who was overflowing with joy and gladness of heart at home, BEFORE she got into the adultery.

She is normally married to a man who just lived his life, worked his job, did not meet her emotional needs, had problems with depression, was a work-a-holic, put the kids before his wife, put ministry before his wife (or any other idol) - not necessarily all of these, but a combination of some or all of these things.

God puts the blame directly upon a man when his wife (or soon to be wife in the context) ends up in another man's arms.

Why doesn't God address the wife, blaming HER for the infidelity?

Why does God lay the blame at the feet of the husband?

Why doesn't God blame a wife, ANYWHERE in the bible, when her husband gets into adultery?

How many times have WIVES been blamed for her husband's adultery over the last fifty years, in the Body of Christ? MILLIONS of times!

Women have been blamed for years, when their husband's have ended up in adultery - but THE BIBLE DOES NOT TEACH THAT! Women are blamed for years, with NO scriptural backing, and NO ONE GETS ANGRY.

But when you blame men, WITH scriptural backing, concerned fellow ministers suggest that you are misunderstanding scripture! It is pretty hard to misunderstand Hosea and Deuteronomy. In a minute, we want to look at something Jesus said that further validates this.

If a wife is IN adultery, is she responsible to get OUT of it?

Absolutely.

Does she have to repent before God?

Absolutely.

Is a wife in danger of judgment, if she were to die in her adultery?

Absolutely.

HOWEVER, the BEGINNING of the affair was her HUSBAND's fault. To have a successful healing and restoration, ON EARTH, a husband must accept the blame for the BEGINNING of the affair - and he must work toward becoming Christ like; repairing the character flaws in himself that pushed his wife into the arms of another man in the first place.

The biggest flaw in most husbands, is that they fail to love, honor and cherish their wife as the MOST IMPORTANT PERSON on planet earth. They put almost anyone and everything as more important than their wife. This is idolatry in its purest, most simplest form. God gave you ONE wife - and you treat her as if she is supposed to be a tag-a-long or as a secondary "helpmeet" who is called only to make your life easier.

If a wounded couple is going to have "a forever love story", then a husband MUST accept this premise.

His response to his wife's adultery MUST be one of it being a "wake-up" call.

His response must be to go on a mission: a mission of learning how to be a great husband; a mission of being pro-active in expressing love, commitment and devotion to his wife.

When a husband cannot do this, and begins to consciously or unconsciously "punish" his wife by being moody, angry, acting out of his hurt and disappointment, then he is going to create a horrible environment, and he and his wife will never end up in a happy marriage.



Matt 5:28 But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

Why did Jesus say,

"Whosoever LOOKS on a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart"

Therefore he is guilty of adultery, in God's sight. ONE reason that Jesus said this is so that a husband can never say,
"My wife committed adultery and I never committed adultery or idolatry first."

Sorry. You can only say that if you have NEVER looked on a woman in lust since the day you were married. If you claim that, then you need to repent of multiplying your sin by lying!

Jesus knew that Hosea and Deuteronomy made it very clear: that it was a husband's adulteries, idolatries, and general disobedience to God that was the CAUSE of their wife getting into an affair.

Matt 5:32 But I say to you that whoever divorces his wife for any reason except sexual immorality causes her to commit adultery; and whoever marries a woman who is divorced commits adultery.

Luke 16:18 "Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced from her husband commits adultery.

Hosea says that a wife commits adultery IN RESPONSE to what her husband does. Deuteronomy also blames a man when his bride to be commits adultery.

In the two verses above, from Mathew and Luke, Jesus declares a few things:

1. When a man divorces his wife, he CAUSES her to commit adultery. THERE IS NO BLAMES LAID AT THE WIFE's feet.

2. When a man marries a woman who is divorced, then HE commits adultery. Again, the blame in not laid at the feet of the woman.

3. When a man divorces his wife and marries another, he commits adultery. There is NO MENTION that his NEW WIFE is held responsible for the adultery.

4. Again, a man is blamed for the adultery - not the wife.

JESUS KNEW THAT HIS BLOOD WAS GOING TO WASH SIN AWAY. Jesus knew that EVERY BELIEVER, in the future, would need his blood to wash their sins away.

Was Jesus just trying to heap condemnation on men and women who have made major mistakes and wrong decisions concerning marriage? No. Instead he was addressing the Pharisees of the day as well as stepping 2000 years into the future, and clarifying that God MEANT WHAT HE SAID in Hosea and in Deuteronomy.

The reason for the emphasis of the SIN OF THE HUSBAND, in Jesus' words, have a purpose today - and that purpose is to HELP US MEN UNDERSTAND THAT THE RESPONSIBILITY FOR OUR MARRIAGES REST ON OUR SHOULDERS.

Yes, a wife NEEDS to respond positively, as her husband makes changes. Yes, marriage is a two-way street. A husband accepts full responsibility for the failure of it, begins to change and become Christlike, and AS HIS WIFE SEES his efforts, and believes he is sincere, THEN she begins to respond warmly, by slowly opening her heart and giving it back to him.

The goal is having both husband and wife pouring love, affection, attention, mutual respect and mutual honor upon one another.

The goal is team leadership. The goal is mutual submission. The goal is mutual servanthood.

But, HOW DO WE GET THERE? We get there by the husband going first. He must accept responsibility, begin to change, and begin to INITIATE a happy marriage.

Yes, sometimes a wife will have a hard time responding positively. Work on it. It took ten or twenty years for a wife to get "broken" (in a bad way) - it may take more than five or six months to bring her to a place of balance, healing, and having a desire to "warmly respond."

Men: Your wife put up with mistreatment for YEARS. Don't be a whiner if your good efforts for a few weeks, months, or even a year does not seem to bring her a miraculous and instantaneous healing and change. (Note: IN MOST WIVES, THE CHANGE IS ALMOST INSTANTANEOUS.) However, each husband has the perfect wife, who has the perfect needs, that require HIM to become Christ like.

Again I hope you see that I am not removing the wife's guilt of sinning or her need for the blood of Jesus Christ to be forgiven of those sins. Yet I do believe the husband has a huge responsibility in being the Christ like husband that he is called to be in order for his marriage to be the marriage God wants it to be and when that happens NO WIFE WILL STRAY!!!